For some parents, Christmas means a few simple presents for the kids and a nice family meal. For others, only lavish gifts and holiday trips will due.
When these two are married, the season of giving can be explosive. But it doesn’t have to be.
“First of all, you have to figure out what the spouse who wants to spend the money is doing,” says Tina B. Tessina, licensed psychotherapist, successful author, and Redbook Love Network expert.
A person may insist on an expensive Christmas for the kids because:
- They felt deprived as a child.
- They are afraid the kids won’t love them otherwise.
- It’s a celebration of their business or financial success.
The spouse who wants a cheaper holiday may also have complicated reasons for their belief.
“Some people think that people with money are good by definition,” says Tessina. “And some people think that people with money are bad by definition.”
As Tessina explains in her book Money, Sex and Kids, those who think that wealthy people are inherently bad want to hide their money. This spouse may skimp on Christmas for the kids to avoid being flashy or inconsiderate of others.
“What I’ve found in my counseling process is that once everyone really understands what’s going on, they get very cooperative,” says Tessina.
Tessina encourages couples to start the discussions early in the year. Strongly held beliefs naturally take lots of time to resolve.
Understand that there may be emotional reasons behind how your spouse handles Christmas spending—reasons they may not have ever thought about.
Finally, don’t forget the reason for the season.
“Remember, enjoying yourself as a family is the most important part,” says Tessina. “Nothing is as important as that.”
Tina Tessina is a licensed psychotherapist in southern California, with 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples. She’s authored 13 books, including Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences, and The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart.
I think it is especially important to discuss this type of thing before marriage and to continue to discuss after marriage. My husband and I talk about this type of thing all the time and we usually come to easy agreements because of our open communication.
Maryann recently posted..Amazon Gift Card Giveaway
Thanks Maryann. I agree. Money—and kids for that matter—are hot topics that you have to discuss before and after the wedding.
I think we are those parents. I didn’t get a lot of gifts growing up and my husband got none, his family didn’t celebrate any holidays so now we tend to go overboard for our kids.
Thank you Cat. It’s just so much fun to splurge on the kids during the holidays. I always thought I would be the penny pincher.
My parents have always had a nice balance, but I have friends whose parents never had alot at Christmas and they are big on gift-giving with their children.
Bobbie recently posted..Fault in Our Stars Book Review
Thank you Bobbie.
It’s way too easy for both my husband and myself to go crazy with gifts for the kids. At Christmas or anytime. I love seeing the smiles on my children’s faces when they’re given a gift.
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Christmas with young kids is such a magical time. My daughter is almost old enough to really get it.
I think I am the one who buys too much for the kids for some reason. My husband always says I spend too much on them, so I try to tame my spending a bit.
My hubby has totally been an overspender in the past…and honestly, so have I. My mother made Christmas like a trip to the toy store, and I sometimes feel like I am living in her shadow.
thedoseofreality recently posted..Hey Neighbor, Thanks For Making My Kid Cry Over Santa
In our household *I* am the Christmas overspender, and it’s really just because I love Christmas and I always find so much that I want to buy. I love shopping for others, and especially my daughter. In my defense, I usually buy second hand and Christmas and birthdays are the few times I like to buy new so I get a little crazy. I’m hoping to tone it down next year while the girls are still young – that way when they’re older they won’t expect so much :p
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